Well after waiting so long and with such anticipation for that
film, I personally was horrified at what 'they' did to Jack. Will of
course was all swashbuckly and gorgeous but OUR Jack, having been the
anti hero, the wise one, the freaking gorgeous master of ceremonies and
all, was suddenly a self centred turncoat. I don't think so...And that
Elizabeth..well don't get me started
Anyway we will have our revenge and so will he. En Garde!
Title: POTC4 The Truth Will Come
Out
Authors: Nuit and Lizzynet so far
Category:
POTC (movie)
Type: Humour, parody, slashy overtones WIP
Rating: R
Characters: Jack Sparrow,
Will Turner and all that lot
****
Scene One- Unecessary scene setting
Early
morning…Captain Jack’s cabin, 2 figures sprawled over sumptuous silks, a tangle
of legs and arms and other things
From a distant crows nest: “LAND
AHOY!!”
Jack: “ Fuck it! Don’t you just hate it when that happens? There
you are lying cock to mouth with…” (he waves his hand somewhat imperiously in
the air to encompass all manner of alternatives) and the bloody land creeps on
you ‘oh it’s land Jack! Shouldn’t we get provisions Jack? What about a spot of
walking on solid ground Jack? Well I tell you I have no intention of walking
solidly on any bloody where...and what’s more…”
Dark haired man whose
shoulders are shaking slightly with a chuckle: “The men have been around the
entire Caribbean, nay even the entire Spanish main, at least 7 times Jack, don’t
you think at least we could stop for an hour or two?”
Jack: “what’s wrong
with the buggers? One would think that given the right application of
imagination they could entertain themselves- four months isn’t long after
all”
Dark haired man: “You ever try imagining for 4 months in a
hammock?”
( an unusual quiet descends) Jack: “Since you ask I have
imagined things not possible to imagine in a hammock… and where do you think you
are going?...OH”
Dark haired man: “Plenty of time before we have to
splice the main brace eh?”
Jack: " I knew my brilliance would rub off on
you one day Turner.."
Scene 2- Tortuga Harbour.
The Black Pearl, against Jack’s worst intentions is
being secured to the dock. A bedraggled man scrambles his way on
deck
Jack: “Do NOT let that man…Commodore…excuse for a powdered wig
on my boat”
(Loud Splash)
The former Commodore Norrington
gurgling: “Oh please…”
Assembled Pirates who are securing ship to mooring
“NO! FUCK OFF”
Norrington: “But I have thrown off the shackles of the
British Navy, I have found my true spirit..Look at my hair! It’s all knotty! You
could hardly recognise me from the screen caps someone leaked. I AM pirate..”
(gurgle)
Assembled Pirates still struggling with their own knots since
the Scouts expelled them for Dib Dabbling when they should have been Dib
Dobbing…or was that Dribbling?.. anyway: “FUCK OFF!”
(A head appears over
the side of the deck)
Norrington: “But I have the heart of Davy
Jones!”
Jack “You can have the heart of any of the Monkees mate, you are
not joining my crew and that’s final…I am not a Believer, if you get my meaning.
Now, if you don’t mind...”
Crew : “FUCK OFF!”
(loud
splash)
Norrington: (gurgle……)
Heart of Davy Jones from deep in a
wholly inappropriate leather pouch, they have clearly never been to the set of
ER, wedged in Norringtons jerkin: “Gasp…what aboot the Last Train to
Clarksville? How would that do for yer? I do requests…”
Assembled pirate turns to another: Davy Jones? I thought the Monkey's name was
Jack?
Another pirate shakes his head: No no no! The Monkey's name is
Jack, but the Monkees names are Davy Jones, Peter Tork, Mike Nesmith, and Micky
Dolenz. You are confused.
A third pirate scratches his head: Now I'm
confused. What do the Monkees have to do with Davy Jones? Does Disney own the
Monkees too?
Captain Jack Sparrow pushes all the assembled pirates into
the water and calls down to Davy Jone's still beating heart: Cheer up, Sleepy
Jean. Here's a request. "Bye Bye Baby Bye Bye"
Scene 3—Streets of Tortuga. General mayhem ensues punctuated by pistol
shots, laughing, and yelling. Fists are flying, bodies are being thrown out of
doors and windows. Assembled pirates and women are drinking, cursing, fighting,
chasing, and groping each other.
Jack swaggers through town followed
closely by Will Turner.
JACK: You’ll love Tortuga, Will. Here the only
rules that apply are what a man CAN do, what a man CAN’T do…and that a man can
do another man if he is so inclined.
WILL: (Ducks out of the way as a
bottle is thrown past his head) If every town in the world were like this one,
no man would ever feel unwanted.
JACK: Exactly! Every vice known to man
or woman can be found here.
Miami Vice theme music plays. A slick
speedboat slips into wharf and off steps Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx as
Crockett and Tubbs. They are dressed in Italian shoes, expensive suits, and wear
sunglasses even though it is night.
JACK: (Yells) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa here!
(All mayhem stops) When I said vice, I meant lust, gluttony, greed….Jerry! Are
these yours?
JERRY BRUCKHEIMER (off camera): Uh…nope. That’s not my
movie.
JACK: Very well then. (Points his pistol) Gentlemen, I am
commandeering your ship…er…boat. The keys if you please.
Crockett throws
keys. Will catches them and puts them in his pocket with a pat. Pirates close in
on Crockett and Tubbs.
TUBBS: Man, I hate these undercover
assignments.
Pirates jump on Crocket and Tubbs. Dust flies and sounds of
punches and grunts comes from the heap. One by one pirates run off wearing
Italian shoes, suit jackets, and sunglasses.
As Jack tucks away his
pistol, a Woman struts up to Jack.
JACK: Scarlett! (Woman slaps Jack.
Jack turns to Will.) Not sure I deserved that.
Second woman struts behind
First Woman.
JACK: Giselle!
Second woman lifts her nose at Jack
and slaps Will.
WILL: What was that for?
SECOND WOMAN: You are
prettier than me AND you are with Jack.
WILL: (preens) I deserve
that.
Assembled pirates and women gaze adoringly at The Pretty. Jack
rolls his eyes and drags Will away.
JACK: Come along, William.
As
he steps over the bodies of Crockett and Tubbs, Jack leans over to pick up a
wallet left lying on the ground. He pockets the wad of cash and fans out several
credit cards.
JACK: Drinks are on them, boys!
Pirates cheer.
Scene 4-Several barrels later
A bedraggled figure enters the
Tavern where the crew are spending the ill-gotten proceeds of a life of crime in
Miami- and that was just the pastel shirts
Commodore (ex): Captain!
Captain!
Captain Jack: Oh for love of Poseidon…Will someone just shoot
this man? Look Norrington- it was just the once OK? Don’t know what came over
me, must have been that stiff upper lip...which since I am perusing that very
subject, is looking decidedly soft and wobbly right now. You need to find
yourself another pirate Mate (shivers)
(Nigh on a dozen muskets point at
Norrington)
Commodore (ex): You don’t want to be doing
that…
Captain Jack: Oh I really think we do. Hang on a minute (fumbles
with script carefully concealed in yards of haberdashery about his person)
Wasn’t that the other fellows line? Oh nevermind I am clearly surrounded by
idiots. WHY don’t I want to be doing that?
Commodore (ex) with eerily out
of character smile: Because I can help you save your soul
Captain Jack
(standing) Right THAT’S IT!! Shoot the bugger! For the Last Time I enjoy
pillaging, thieving, sodomy, lasciviousness, excess consumption of anything I
can get my hands on and debauchery of all kinds. THAT’S the whole fuckin’ point!
This is not a Family Film you know! Jack Sparrow does not have to be
saved, there are a whole raft, nay SHIP load of dubious witnesses who could be
called to testify to that. You’ll be telling me I have to abandon the Black
Pearl next and row off in a small dingy leaving behind my Freedom..my Pirate
Life..and my Cabin Boy..in order to take up a day job and a 7 year loan on an
Audi? (shudders visibly)
Will Turner clears throat and whispers in Jack’s
ear
Captain Jack: Oh now I like that, do that again…What do you mean it's
PG13 and thats how the story goes?? Call my bloody agent.
Will: Jack you
don’t have an agent. You are a pirate caught up tragically in a battle of
international forces-in this case Disney and Warner- of which you know nothing,
a battle however in which you will be forced to traipse through the increasing
doubts in your mind about the moral integrity of your very being, wonder where
the fuck you are going in your life, a devise crudely represented by a compass
with a mind of its own, leaving you to wonder whether you should, after all,
have taken up that promising career in accountancy. Your very existence indeed,
a predictable analogy for the fight between good and evil; you will be forced to
confront your inner demons, forced to kiss Elizabeth for God’s sake (pales
considerably and wipes mouth) and if that weren’t bad enough, having scraped
Kraken spit off yourself, you get to emerge as a suitably chastened and reformed
‘good man’
(Crew gasp, Norrington smiles
uncharacteristically)
Will, grinning: Meanwhile I get to prove my
manhood…
Captain Jack: “Yes yes well that’s not in question Luv…Kraken
spit you say, and I thought…oh nevermind…so this isn’t a Butt Fuck Movie
then?”
(wistful sighs from Jack and Will)
Captain Jack with
fingers walking up thigh of his First Mate: Oh for the love of Hollywood...who
writes this shit?? There hasn't been an outrage like this since Simba had that
change of heart, giving up a life of indolence after talking to a warthog and a
meerkat (sighs again) Still plenty of twists and turns and writhing in the plot
before we get to said sorry ending eh?
Will, shifting in his seat to
allow further exploration: Aye Aye Captain
Captain Jack groaning: Then
all is not lost
Captain Jack has his heels on the rough wooden table
and his hands in Will Turner’s hair, flashes of gold teeth catch the lamplight
between languorous kisses that the crew do their best not to stare at.
actually that will probably do for this scene now I come to think of
it..guh…ok a bit more
Commodore (ex) Norrington is for the moment
tied to a chair with a gag in his mouth to stop his incessant delirious whining
about hearts and Jack’s ass
Skinny pirate with a pout the size of
Nassau holding a wobbly compass, the dial of which is swinging violently:
Goodness gracious me! Which one am I to have?? (jumps up and down) Both! Yes! Oh
Goody Gumdrops!
(Jack and Will stop dead still mid snog)
Captain
Jack (muffled, with only beard beads chinking): Keep perfectly still and she may
move on…I saw that once with a cobra, just pray there is another more tasty
morsel that catches her eye
Will (muffled): What? But we are singularly
the most beautiful things on this thankfully God forsaken
island
Elizabeth poking him with outstretched finger: Jack Sparrow- I
thought I would find you here
Captain Jack: Elizabeth! Darling! Didn’t
notice you standing there..Frightfully gorgeous to see you Luv..may I say you
are looking particularly…err ..(whispers out the side of his mouth) for
Neptune’s sake help me out here Will..
Will (whispers, wide eyes looking
for an escape route): Er...Attractive?
Captain Jack frowning: Is she? Oh
yes! Attractive tonight…But regrettably me and sweet Will here have an urgent
appointment with somebody, anybody- the haberdasher… Yes that’s it! Some of my
bits and bobs looking decidedly tatty wouldn’t you say? Can’t get the quality
these days. Must be going- do drop by again soon (pulls a face and competes with
Will to squeeze through the door first)
Ms one more time Swann: Wait one
moment you scallywag, that is my fiancé you are dragging off there, and more to
the point I have in mind a little premarital dalliance with yourself, Daddy said
I could and if you don’t let me I shall scqueam and scqueam until I am
sick..
Jack and Will, wincing: Oh fuck.
Apologies to
Elizabeth..lovely woman..all her own teeth
Scene Six:
Elizabeth advancing across the bar exercising her
lips, to where Jack and Will stand hand in hand quivering
Will: Just
lie back and think of England Jack…
Captain Jack: I don’t want to think about
bloody England! Scary place- too many Guidelines. What I am asking myself though
is why it is that I should I kiss her? She is your fiancé afterall…admitted
there was that time on that island when we were marooned, but it was dark, she
serenaded me with pirate songs and got me drunk
Will rolling eyes: Did she do
that you are arguably the most famous pirate in the whole Caribbean
line?
Captain Jack: Now how did you know that?
Will: She uses that on
everyone. Never works of course.
(Jack swallows hard)
Will wide eyed: She
didn’t get her hand inside your breeches?
Captain Jack silent for an overly long pause (shudders): Poseidon’s
Plums mate…I may have erased that episode from my memory, it may take years of
counselling to expunge said horrible truth (drifts off)
Will shaking head:
Like when she handcuffed you to the mast I suppose…just as well that kraken
turned up when it did or who knows how far she would have got into your
haberdashery! And then it was all pouty lips, snivelling, refusing to drink and
wanting to rescue you. Had a lucky escape if you ask me.
(Both nod)
Will:
Come to think of it Jack I am not sure she likes me at all, all this time and I
am still a virgin!
(Jack, Norrington, bar patrons and crew look up from
whatever they are doing and laugh loudly or lick lips, both
probably)
Captain Jack: well that’s if you don’t count sodomy of course.
But then this is Disney.
Elizabeth Swann dive: What? You been messing with my
fiancé? Can I watch?
Jack and Will: NO!!!
Will: Anyway Liz strictly
speaking you are HIS fiancé (points to Norrington) since you betrothed yourself
to him in a plotline I don’t quite recall.
Captain Jack whispering: Brilliant
mate that gets you off the hook, now if I can just get that bloody compass off
her…
TBC
Home
